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Private Eye - Part 2/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: Congrats, you're our 1,000,000th viewer! :Jake: We've had more than 1,000,000 viewers. :Amir: Woah, really? Episode :(Ben is hiding under Amir's desk, talking on the phone) :Ben: Yo what up Power, it's Mr. Right. I'm gonna need a lot more chloroform, like 40 bottles. You know what Howard? I think I've had a enough of your bullshit. (Holds a towel to the phone) Did that work? No, okay. Then I just need like a bunch of more bottles— :Amir: (To Ben) Shh. :Ben: Need a couple more bottles. :Amir: Shh! (To Jake) Jake. Um, what are you thinking about later? I'm thinking of having a Sprite. Do you think—do you think that? :Jake: I think you should keep that to yourself. :Amir: Me too. That's why I'm going to. :Jake: Okay. :Amir: Um, I don't know, I just felt like we could chill in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, your hometown. :Jake: You think I'm— :Amir: And we can have Sprite! :Jake: You think I'm from Toronto? And you think I want to go there? Right now? To have Sprite? :(Amir turns to Ben) :Amir: Alright, you're really fucking me on this, man. :Ben: What are you talking about? :Amir: What am I talking about? None of this information is right! That's what I'm talking about. :Ben: (Pointing at the list) No no, that's everything you need to know about Drake. :Amir: Who's Drake? :Ben: You know Drake, he's like that song: (singing) Hey yo my name is Drake, do you know my buddy Samuel? He's got a razor scooter. Go, Samuel you're doing— :(Amir kicks him) :Ben: Oww, man! :Amir: Shh! :(Ben starts talking at full volume, and Amir talks over him so Jake doesn't hear) :Ben and Amir: I have a small penis! :Amir: So. Do you like hanging out with hip hop vocals? :Jake: Why did you just say you had a small penis? :Amir: I didn't. You like—I was talking about, uh, Birdman. :Jake: (Angry) Birdman? :Amir: Birdm—no. What—because your hip-hip hop career. :(Ben sneaks up behind Jake tries to silently consult Amir as to whether he should chloroform Jake) :Jake: My hip hop—I don't have a hip hop career. Right? :Amir: No. :Jake: No, yeah. :Amir: Nope. :Jake: No you're right. Okay, I'm going back to work. :Amir: No! :Jake: No I can't go back to work? :Amir: Yeah—n—no! No, no. :Jake: I'm not talking. :Ben: Hey, what do you guys think about Drake? :Jake: Who the hell are you? :Ben: Me? Look at me right now, maybe you'll remember. (Unbuttons one button on his shirt) :Amir: Oh yeah. :Ben: My name is Joooooo...pe. :Jake: Jope? :Ben: Yep. Uh, I don't know why the hell I'm here, but I'll tell you one thing: I can't get enough of that guy Drake. :Jake: Don't speak so close to me. :Ben: Yeah. :Jake: Who's Drake? :Amir: (Singing) You see nothin' but Samuel. :Jake: That's Drake? :Ben: Yeah. :Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go— :Ben: We should go to a Drake concert. :Amir: Oh my god! :Jake: Why would we go to a Drake concert? :Ben: Because it would be so much fun, with friends! :Jake: I don't want to go to a Drake concert! :Ben: I think you do want to come to the Drake concert! :Jake: I actually do not want to go to the Drake— :Ben: I'm almost positive you wanna to go the fucking Drake concert! :Jake: I don't—(Ben lifts Jake up by his crotch) Ahh! Oh my god! Okay! I'll go to the Drake concert! I'll go the Drake concert! :Ben: Yeah! And you're gonna be my friend on LinkedIn! :Jake: Fine I'll be your friend— :Ben: My best friend on LinkedIn! :Jake: Fine, your best friend on LinkedIn! :Amir: I thought I was gonna be your best friend on Linked— :(Ben puts down Jake) :Ben: You can have two best friends on LinkedIn. Come on Mirmirs! We're gonna have so much fun! :Jake: Okay, well I'll have to— :Ben: Before we go we should probably sleep. Take a little sleep. :(Ben chloroforms Jake and himself. Amir follows suit and chloroforms himself.)